Cinema Nostalgia

When I think back to my childhood, what I mostly remember are the alarmingly bad movies my sisters and I used to watch incessantly. Below are my recollections of these masterpieces of the silver screen.

(Note: some of these memories are not quite as distant as the title of this post might imply)

1. Beethoven



The titular character in this movie was a dog. The dog was enormous and slobbery. From memory, it lived with a family with three children, one of whom was played by that little girl that later played Matilda. The other daughter may or may not have been played by the same girl that played Maggie on The Nanny. Standout moments: the children are being looked after by a neighbour who is so caught up in her amazingly terrible rendition of 'Lady Marmalade' (self-accompaniment on the organ) that she neglects to notice the smallest child falling into the pool. Beethoven rescues the child from the pool. There may or may not have been a scene in which Beethoven narrowly escapes peril in the form of a syringe-wielding vet.

Nostalgia rating: 4/10. Although I watched it approximately 5,000,000 times as a child, I have no desire to revisit it.

2. Little Rascals



Another gem, this movie is a remake of the classic something or other. Being a callous Gen-Y, I have no interest in or respect for the things of the past.

Main characters include:

Sparky/Spunky(?:) a pudgy little kid who no doubt grows up to be Kevin James' character in the sitcom King of Queens.

Alfalfa: skinny little kid with an epic cowlick who is equal parts romantic and pathetic.

Darla: chubby, adorable little kid who enjoys ballet, being romanced, and being respected by man-boys.

Buckwheat: dreadlocked, pickle-loving kid.

Rich Kid: played by Macaulay Culkin lookalike. Hilariously irritating and surprisingly suave.

The plot in a nutshell: Alfalfa and Sparky/Spunky are senior members of the 'He-Man Woman Haters Club', a proto-homo-erotic support group for young bucks. When Alfalfa is discovered courting the attentions of young Darla, Sparky/Spunky kicks him out. Alfalfa wants to have his cake and eat it too, so attempts to conceal his relationship with Darla while worming his way back into the club. This (predictably) backfires and Darla dumps Alfalfa. He attempts to win her back. By this stage she has fallen into the Brylcreem embrace of young Rich Kid. For some reason the movie's climax centres around a go-kart race. The he-man woman haters band together and win. They all then decide that girls are not that bad, and simultaneously all manage to acquire girlfriends.

High points of this movie include: Alfalfa attempting to put out the blazing clubhouse; Alfalfa in drag as a little ballerina; Alfalfa losing his undies in a swimming pool for reasons that escape me; Alfalfa burping bubbles while singing the excerable 'The Air That I Breathe'; Buckwheat singing the 'I got a pickle' song.

Nostalgia Rating: 6/10. If this was on TV, I'd IQ and watch it at a later date. I wouldn't go out of my way to rent it, though.

3. Double Double Toil and Trouble



Honestly, I barely remember this movie. It starred the Olsen twins and had some sort of strange halloween theme. There may or may not have been a midget involved. I'm not going to lie, I seriously considered googling this movie to jog my memory, but I'd like to remain true to the strange workings of my brain that allow me to remember the title of the movie, and the fact that there might have been a midget, and forget everything else about it.

Nostalgia Rating: 3/10. If it was on TV and I was bored, I'd watch it. But I'd keep flicking to see if anything better was on.

4. It Takes Two



My memories of this movie are fairly fresh as I caught it on Foxtel mere weeks ago. It too stars the Olsen Twins. It's basically a rip-off of the Parent Trap, but for some insane reason the girls are not related at all. They just happen to look exactly alike. Basically, the girls meet, decide to switch, then realise that the dad of one of them (Steve Gutenberg - whatever happened to him? Guess the Stonecutters slacked off) is about to marry the delightfully shrill Clarice Kensington. Meanwhile, the mom figure (actually a social worker played by Kirstie Alley) of the other is sad and single. The girls meet, they matchmake, they torture poor Clarice (who definitely deserves it), and Steve and Kirstie get together in the end.

This movie is endlessly quotable. Actually, Clarice Kensington is endlessly quotable.

Clarice: 'I'd like a Diet Coke please.'
Vincenzo: 'Yes MA'AM.'
Clarice: 'With lime.'

Clarice: 'Rough is a broken nail, darling. What I'm having is a TRAINWRECK!'

Clarice: 'I'm happy. Don't I look happy? This is me happy! See! Happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy!'

Clarice: 'I have NEVER been more HUMILIATED in my LIFE!'

Special mention to the writers for having the gall to name the villainous family 'Butkis'. Pronounced exactly as it's written.

Nostalgia Rating: 9.5/10. There's a special place in my heart for this movie.

5. Baby's Day Out



Adorable infant is kidnapped from doting rich parents by nefarious yet stupid crooks played by Joe Mantegna, Joe Pantoliano and Brian Haley. Hijinks ensue. Bonus: a pre-SATC Cynthia Nixon with a fake English accent as Baby Bink's nanny.

This movie is pretty standard physical comedy. My favourite part was when Baby Bink lit Joe Mantegna's crotch on fire. My other favourite part was Joe Pantoliano's reinterpretation of the classic, Mary Had A Little Lamb:

"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb her HAIR was white as snow! And every which way that Mary went, the lamb was right behind her. It followed her to work one day, work one day, work one day. It followed her to work one daaaaaaayyy, and Mary lost her job! And then she went to unemployment..."

Nostalgia Rating: 9/10. I probably wouldn't pay money to watch it, but I'd record if if it came on TV. And then watch it repeatedly.

6. Spice World



When this movie was at the cinemas, my family was on its then annual holiday to the central coast. Unfortunately it rained for a solid week, so to prevent my parents from killing us, each other, and then themselves, we were taken to the movies at least five times in as many days. We saw Spice World on each occasion. At the time, I genuinely loved the Spice Girls. I was just becoming a teenager and I saw them as these impossibly cool role models, who were fun and sexy and cheeky. I knew all the words to all their songs, and after a week of seeing their movie every day, I could more or less recite the script. The plot was thinner than Victoria Beckham is now, but the movie as a whole was quite self aware and amazingly camp. All the girls were crap actors. Still are, I suspect. But they all looked like they were having So Much Fun.

High points:

The papparazo coming out of the toilet in the house the girls were staying overnight in.

The choreography boot camp run by the insane military-style person.

The cavernous interior of the externally small tour bus.

The flash-forward to Baby Spice with ten thousand children.

The alien encounter.

The bus jumping the bridge.

Meatloaf as the girls' driver.

The meta-awesomeness of the last 10 or so minutes of the 'plot' being described by movie executives, WITHIN THE MOVIE.

Nostalgia Rating: 10/10. Just writing about it is taking me back.


Stay Tuned for more blasts from my past!