From Dull To Daring!

I can think of nothing I own that wouldn't be improved by the addition of rhinestones!

Lesser Books

My contributions to the twitter maelstrom of reinterpreted book titles:

The French-Canadian Lieutenant's Woman

The Old Man and the Municipal Pool

Zen and the Art of Tricycle Maintenance

Topless Lunch

Midnight's Redheaded Stepchildren

The Maltese Pigeon

The Telemarketer Of Venice

Spamlet

Dummy Spit On The Bounty

Average Sized Women

The Jungle Pamphlet

Gulliver's Contiki Tour

Low Expectations

The Open Secret History

One Hundred Minutes of Solitude

Love In The Time of Chlamydia

The Mutt of the Baskervilles

Moby Doodle

Call Of The Mild

From Russia With Compliments

A Digital Orange

Love In A Temperate Climate

Lady Chatterley's Crush

The Big Nap

Paradise Misplaced

Fear and Loathing in Lakemba

The Grapes of Mild Annoyance

The Communist Opinion

A Tale of Two Suburbs

Wuthering Middles

To Kill A Mynah Bird

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sassy

Sunshine, Lollipops and Strangers on the Bus

Is it just me or does this film clip make it look like everyone on the bus is just humouring this wingnut? Seriously, the man she's singing the bulk of the song to is sort of looking at her askance, as if to say "Do I know you?"

She has to ask the other commuters to join in twice before they do - and even then they're sharing these little sideways glances with each other. "I think I'll get off at the next stop. I'm really quite uncomfortable with all of this".

Based on the above, I have concluded that The Simpsons could not have picked a better song to accurately convey the concept of "lame".

Get Flirty with QWERTY

In case you can't read it, this establishment would like to employ 'lovers of typing'.

Do such people exist? I'm a keen typist myself, but even I would say that using the word 'lover' takes the activity to a place where it ought not go.

[Insert 'fingering' joke here].

You May Also Call Me ... Suzy Homemaker

Behold! My previously-mentioned apron! The straps going over the shoulders are too long, but that is completely fixable. I'm planning a sequel, this time in pale blue flowered material.

Super Mario Cake!

This weekend I made the Super Mario cake for Juliet's birthday that I talked about earlier. Throughout the process, I made sure to take lots of photos to document the process.

Read on for instructions about how to make your own Super Mario cake!

[A note on pictures - do not adjust your monitor. For some reason every photo taken in my kitchen ends up looking like it was taken in a dungeon. I don't know why this is.]

I started by baking plain cakes. This was done the day before icing, so that I would have a chance to freeze them. It is approximately five thousand times easier to ice a frozen cake than one which is warm or merely room temperature.



I ended up making a lot more cakes than I thought I would have to. I originally made a plain sponge (which I coloured pink) and also a chocolate cake (which I cooked in two tins so I would have layers). The next day, I realised that there was not enough cake to give me the height I needed to properly decorate the sides. So I made more cakes:



After the second batch of cakes had cooled all the way on wire racks, I popped them in the freezer while I started on the icing. I had to make four separate colours: black, green, blue and yellow. I cheated and used pre-made Betty Crocker icing for this step, as I knew I would be adding liquid and doing a lot of stirring. I needed icing with a consistent consistency, so to speak, and I didn't know if home-made buttercream would be up to the task.

For the most part, colouring the icing was easy. The only challenge was getting black icing. To do this, I mixed chocolate icing with insane amounts of blue food colouring. I wasn't entirely happy with the result; it was very greeny-blue, which I think I could have remedied if I had added some red in there as well; but I had used up all my red food colouring the day before on meringues (partially pictured above). Overall I was happy with the icing.



Once the icing was mixed, the fun part - assembly - began.

I took all of my cakes out of the freezer. Some had been in there since the day before, so they were a bit more 'frozen', but they were all quite cold.



I then prepared a cakeboard by wrapping a plastic chopping board in foil, and began to put together the bottom layer of my cake. I used chocolate icing between the layers to secure them:



Once I had stacked up all four, I iced around the sides and the top:





Then I prepared the top layer. For this I had two types of cake: pink sponge, and plain buttercake. The sponge was not very light or airy, and the plain buttercake had a nice dome-like top, so I decided to put the sponge at the bottom. I didn't need to use anything to stick them together as the top of the sponge was quite sticky (I'm not really sure why.) I then cut around both of them to make them narrower. This was so I would have a big enough ledge to decorate the bottom layer.



Then I popped it on top of the bottom tier and iced it. Because I had cut away the crust, the icing quickly became filled with crumbs, and it was not as smooth looking as I had planned.


Then I did the last little tier - a small square cake. I made this by baking some of the sponge mixture in miniature rectangular tin, then I cut the finished cake in half and froze it. I then iced this and put it on top:



The whole thing was looking a bit messy at this stage, but I hoped it might be redeemed by the decorating. The decorating had a few different elements, which are explained below, going from the bottom of the cake to the top. All of the candy I used to decorate was simply pressed into the icing. Luckily, none of it fell off.

1. Underworld Bricks

I prepared these a few days ahead, but they don't take that long to do. These are made out of white cooking chocolate that I melted the chocolate, stirred in blue food dye, then poured it into a foil-lined swiss roll tin and refrigerated. Once set, I scored the chocolate with a sharp knife and then broke into little squares.

2. Pipes

These are made out of Darrel Lea Green Apple Liquorice, which I sliced in half lengthways and then cut into different heights.

3. Dirt/Bricks

This is just Cadbury chocolate. Too easy.

4. Clouds

For these I cut white marshmallows in half and stuck them, sticky-side down, into the icing on the top.

5. Mushrooms

These are just small meringues, coloured red with food dye, and sitting on top of white marshmallows. I cut the tops of the marshmallows so they would stick to the bottoms of the meringues more easily. To decorate the tops of the mushrooms I finely chopped up more marshmallow and rolled little spots out of the mush.

6. Question Mark Detail

This was just sliced black liquorice, which I pressed into the icing.

As an afterthought I pressed chocolate coins into the cake. I had planned to scatter them on the cakeboard, but given that I had to transport the cake in the car, I knew they would slide all over the place. Luckily we got it there, all in one piece.

And now ... drumroll please ... I present the finished product!

Cinema Nostalgia

When I think back to my childhood, what I mostly remember are the alarmingly bad movies my sisters and I used to watch incessantly. Below are my recollections of these masterpieces of the silver screen.

(Note: some of these memories are not quite as distant as the title of this post might imply)

1. Beethoven



The titular character in this movie was a dog. The dog was enormous and slobbery. From memory, it lived with a family with three children, one of whom was played by that little girl that later played Matilda. The other daughter may or may not have been played by the same girl that played Maggie on The Nanny. Standout moments: the children are being looked after by a neighbour who is so caught up in her amazingly terrible rendition of 'Lady Marmalade' (self-accompaniment on the organ) that she neglects to notice the smallest child falling into the pool. Beethoven rescues the child from the pool. There may or may not have been a scene in which Beethoven narrowly escapes peril in the form of a syringe-wielding vet.

Nostalgia rating: 4/10. Although I watched it approximately 5,000,000 times as a child, I have no desire to revisit it.

2. Little Rascals



Another gem, this movie is a remake of the classic something or other. Being a callous Gen-Y, I have no interest in or respect for the things of the past.

Main characters include:

Sparky/Spunky(?:) a pudgy little kid who no doubt grows up to be Kevin James' character in the sitcom King of Queens.

Alfalfa: skinny little kid with an epic cowlick who is equal parts romantic and pathetic.

Darla: chubby, adorable little kid who enjoys ballet, being romanced, and being respected by man-boys.

Buckwheat: dreadlocked, pickle-loving kid.

Rich Kid: played by Macaulay Culkin lookalike. Hilariously irritating and surprisingly suave.

The plot in a nutshell: Alfalfa and Sparky/Spunky are senior members of the 'He-Man Woman Haters Club', a proto-homo-erotic support group for young bucks. When Alfalfa is discovered courting the attentions of young Darla, Sparky/Spunky kicks him out. Alfalfa wants to have his cake and eat it too, so attempts to conceal his relationship with Darla while worming his way back into the club. This (predictably) backfires and Darla dumps Alfalfa. He attempts to win her back. By this stage she has fallen into the Brylcreem embrace of young Rich Kid. For some reason the movie's climax centres around a go-kart race. The he-man woman haters band together and win. They all then decide that girls are not that bad, and simultaneously all manage to acquire girlfriends.

High points of this movie include: Alfalfa attempting to put out the blazing clubhouse; Alfalfa in drag as a little ballerina; Alfalfa losing his undies in a swimming pool for reasons that escape me; Alfalfa burping bubbles while singing the excerable 'The Air That I Breathe'; Buckwheat singing the 'I got a pickle' song.

Nostalgia Rating: 6/10. If this was on TV, I'd IQ and watch it at a later date. I wouldn't go out of my way to rent it, though.

3. Double Double Toil and Trouble



Honestly, I barely remember this movie. It starred the Olsen twins and had some sort of strange halloween theme. There may or may not have been a midget involved. I'm not going to lie, I seriously considered googling this movie to jog my memory, but I'd like to remain true to the strange workings of my brain that allow me to remember the title of the movie, and the fact that there might have been a midget, and forget everything else about it.

Nostalgia Rating: 3/10. If it was on TV and I was bored, I'd watch it. But I'd keep flicking to see if anything better was on.

4. It Takes Two



My memories of this movie are fairly fresh as I caught it on Foxtel mere weeks ago. It too stars the Olsen Twins. It's basically a rip-off of the Parent Trap, but for some insane reason the girls are not related at all. They just happen to look exactly alike. Basically, the girls meet, decide to switch, then realise that the dad of one of them (Steve Gutenberg - whatever happened to him? Guess the Stonecutters slacked off) is about to marry the delightfully shrill Clarice Kensington. Meanwhile, the mom figure (actually a social worker played by Kirstie Alley) of the other is sad and single. The girls meet, they matchmake, they torture poor Clarice (who definitely deserves it), and Steve and Kirstie get together in the end.

This movie is endlessly quotable. Actually, Clarice Kensington is endlessly quotable.

Clarice: 'I'd like a Diet Coke please.'
Vincenzo: 'Yes MA'AM.'
Clarice: 'With lime.'

Clarice: 'Rough is a broken nail, darling. What I'm having is a TRAINWRECK!'

Clarice: 'I'm happy. Don't I look happy? This is me happy! See! Happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy-happy!'

Clarice: 'I have NEVER been more HUMILIATED in my LIFE!'

Special mention to the writers for having the gall to name the villainous family 'Butkis'. Pronounced exactly as it's written.

Nostalgia Rating: 9.5/10. There's a special place in my heart for this movie.

5. Baby's Day Out



Adorable infant is kidnapped from doting rich parents by nefarious yet stupid crooks played by Joe Mantegna, Joe Pantoliano and Brian Haley. Hijinks ensue. Bonus: a pre-SATC Cynthia Nixon with a fake English accent as Baby Bink's nanny.

This movie is pretty standard physical comedy. My favourite part was when Baby Bink lit Joe Mantegna's crotch on fire. My other favourite part was Joe Pantoliano's reinterpretation of the classic, Mary Had A Little Lamb:

"Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb her HAIR was white as snow! And every which way that Mary went, the lamb was right behind her. It followed her to work one day, work one day, work one day. It followed her to work one daaaaaaayyy, and Mary lost her job! And then she went to unemployment..."

Nostalgia Rating: 9/10. I probably wouldn't pay money to watch it, but I'd record if if it came on TV. And then watch it repeatedly.

6. Spice World



When this movie was at the cinemas, my family was on its then annual holiday to the central coast. Unfortunately it rained for a solid week, so to prevent my parents from killing us, each other, and then themselves, we were taken to the movies at least five times in as many days. We saw Spice World on each occasion. At the time, I genuinely loved the Spice Girls. I was just becoming a teenager and I saw them as these impossibly cool role models, who were fun and sexy and cheeky. I knew all the words to all their songs, and after a week of seeing their movie every day, I could more or less recite the script. The plot was thinner than Victoria Beckham is now, but the movie as a whole was quite self aware and amazingly camp. All the girls were crap actors. Still are, I suspect. But they all looked like they were having So Much Fun.

High points:

The papparazo coming out of the toilet in the house the girls were staying overnight in.

The choreography boot camp run by the insane military-style person.

The cavernous interior of the externally small tour bus.

The flash-forward to Baby Spice with ten thousand children.

The alien encounter.

The bus jumping the bridge.

Meatloaf as the girls' driver.

The meta-awesomeness of the last 10 or so minutes of the 'plot' being described by movie executives, WITHIN THE MOVIE.

Nostalgia Rating: 10/10. Just writing about it is taking me back.


Stay Tuned for more blasts from my past!

Hippies Are Weird.

Spotted at Priceline.

This is sold as a conditioning treatment for dry, damaged hair.

I don't know about you, but my hair would have to be pretty fucking dry before I considered putting placenta into it.

Wankermobile

Consider this vehicle:

The Humvee was originally designed as an instrument of war and was first used in the US invasion of Panama. It is still considered by many as an extremely offensive vehicle, but now its major enemies are limited to the environment and good taste.

In this city, we obey the laws of physics!

Pants: if the only thing holding them up is your hipster cred and the collective willpower of everyone around you, you're wearing them too damn low.

I have spotted this gentleman not once, but twice, while walking across Pyrmont Bridge on my way to work.

I genuinely don't know what is holding these pants up. Perhaps even more concerning is the fact that he has at least two different pairs of these gravity-defying pants.

Perhaps even MORE concerning is the possibility that this gentleman apparently wants his legs to appear to be one third the size of the rest of him.

Or maybe he has some terrible deformity and his skeleton looks like this:

It's one of the great unsolved mysteries of the modern age.

Ode to Black

[Picture from http://fashjournal.blogspot.com/]

I love, love, love to wear black. I get sad in summer when it’s too warm to wear black.

I feel like I can get away with more when I wear black – plunging necklines, interesting skirt shapes, tight silhouettes. I’m quite short and curvy so loud patterns are not my friend.

When I wear all black I feel put-together and groomed in a way that I just don’t when I’m wearing colour.

If, like me, you are both lazy and a perfectionist, when it comes to getting dressed, black is your friend. An all-black ensemble will make you seem chic, and solves the early morning dilemma of what to wear. If 90% of your wardrobe is the same colour, everything matches. (The holy grail is a black dress – one item and you’re done!)

And the fact that black goes with everything makes shopping a dream. Everything is an investment piece if you buy it in black.

Black gives you more leeway to be daring with accessories and makeup – one of my favourite winter looks is a black trench coat (tightly belted at the waist) and a slash of the reddest red lipstick. You can wear this anywhere.

I am highly suspicious of the claim that not everyone can wear black – I have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t look fabulous in the right little black dress.

Did I mention I’m a fan of dressing in black?

Ambitious Projects

1. This Saturday just past, I cooked dinner for 10 people. This involved making the following:

Roquamole (Avocado & blue cheese dip)
Hummus
Yoghurt Dip
Crostini
Pita Chips
Coleslaw (with home-made mayonnaise)
Potato Salad
Slow-roasted Tomato, Goats Cheese & Mint Salad
Wholemeal bread rolls
White bread rolls
Lemon herbed chicken (admittedly I did not do the actual cooking as it was barbecued by Captain Turbo and his father)
Pinchito Beef Kebabs (see above)
Pomegranate Icecream
Choc-chip biscuits with Peppermint glaze.

It all turned out really well (with the exception of the hummus, which looked like crap - literally - and tasted like garlic-infused crap) but I seriously overcatered. Potato salad and coleslaw are not that exciting after three days.

2. I'm halfway through sewing myself a vintage-style apron. It will be red with small white polka-dots, a full skirt, ruffled broderie-anglaise trim, and it will be utterly impractical for cooking as I anticipate I will not really want to get it dirty. Maybe I can wear an apron over it?

3. This coming Saturday is my sister's birthday. She's turning 8. I love my sister and she loves me. Sadly I think the main reason she loves me is because I have a Nintendo Wii. Adding weight to these suspicions is the fact that every time she sees me she asks to come over to my house so she can play the Wii.
Mum asked me to make a cake for her birthday this weekend, so in honour of her obsession with Mario Kart I'm making her a Super Mario-themed cake.

I started to write a description of what the cake will look like, but it was surprisingly difficult. I'll post a picture when it's made.

WTF, Judicial System?

For years I've been wondering how to avoid being raped. I know I should be careful at night, especially if I'm drinking, especially if I'm alone. I know that it's important for us, as a society, to focus on educating young people as to the definition of rape and the often complex ways in which women communicate their nonconsent (here's a hint: the word 'no' is often employed).

So you can imagine how silly I felt yesterday when I clicked on the Sydney Morning Herald website to discover that some ingenious juror had discovered the secret! The one thing that would save us all from rape!

SKINNY JEANS.

Because apparently it is 'not possible' to rape a woman who is wearing them.

http://www.smh.com.au/nsw/rape-of-woman-in-skinny-jeans-not-possible-20100430-tzai.html

I can't wait until news of this marvellous development spreads internationally! Just think what this information could mean for women in the Democratic Republic of Congo - don't worry ladies, your days of being brutalised by marauding soldiers are over, as long as you remember to wear your MAGIC PANTS.